


Like Lightning

by Xweetalk



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, If i do, Im probably not going to finish it, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Itll be a miracle, M/M, On Purpose, Please let this die, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reincarnation, because i have other works for that, enjoy motherfuckers, just a heads up i didnt put smut, this one is special, very vague ereri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:47:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xweetalk/pseuds/Xweetalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jeager is a troubled senior who has managed to wiggle out of getting his foreign language credit until now. He begrudgingly chooses french for his class. Within the first week of school, his teacher is killed in a car accident,  and the new teacher, a sassy and mutinous man named Levi sparks memories of a past that Eren doesn't understand. Eren is plagued by these memories and he's not going to let it slide without him figuring out who this man REALLY is.<br/>(Quick extra note here, I've revisited this a bit but I'm not finishing it, I'm sorry.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is Only the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops, my hand slipped.
> 
> I thought a lot about this idea and I know there are a million reincarnation au's out there but I watched this video : http://youtu.be/E_flQP5DuOI (IDK how the fuck to hyperlink that still)
> 
> It left me breathless and inspired. So here you go this is me procrastinating on my other two fics.  
> This one isn't going to be too long, hopefully. 
> 
> Happy reading!  
> Edit: I'm pretty sure this is just going to end up being something I work on and get half done then forget about it. Sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the lonely  
> You are not alone.

There was the metallic sent of blood in the infinite darkness before me.

 

 

_"Heicho."_

_"What is it?"_

_"I'm sorry..."_

* * *

 

I catapulted upright in bed, heart hammering in my chest. Sweat tickled down my face, sticking my hair to my forehead as I glanced around my messy room in despair.

I'm home.

"Oh god." I gasped, terror still locking up my joints. "Shit."

' _Calming breaths, Eren. It was just a dream._ ' A voice said in the back of my mind, making me shoot another panicked look around my room. The clock on my nightstand glared in green 1:04.

I began to pace between my desk and my window, clutching my phone in distress.

It was raining outside, the deep grey clouds lighting up with the occasional lightning strike. The ruble came shortly after, making me sigh and sink to the floor. I put my head between my knees and ground my teeth together.

All I remembered from my dream was blackness and a voice. My voice. Then someone else's.

The voice was deep and familiar.

It was strangely comforting.

Sometimes, that feeling came over me. It was like I was on the brink of remembering something important and if I just thought about it for a bit, it'd finally dawn on me. My frustrations went unresolved each time because I'd sit for hours at a time, mind wandering to the voices, the screams, and the emotions I didn't recognize as my own.

When had I ever felt like that? Like I had lost something so important that my soul had been breaking apart? Why was my heart broken to a million pieces over that voice? Who meant that much to me that it had hurt me so much?

I felt like I had failed someone.

A massive rumble of thunder shook my house, making me hug my legs tighter. I took a hissing breath between my teeth and unlocked my phone.

2:38 in the morning. Had that much of time really passed? It was going to be hell getting up in the morning.

I heaved another heavy sigh and shuffled to my bed, fell onto it not bothering to use my sheets and gazed at the ceiling. The lights of Boston cast a cold glow over my room, lightning lighting it up brighter for that split second.

My heart ached in my chest. It felt like a hole in my chest was ripped open and it pulsed with raw agony. Each heartbeat hurt.

I shook my head, clenching my eyes shut and rolled onto my side.

I genuinely begged my brain to shut off and let me sleep.

* * *

I was still conscious when my alarm buzzed at 7:00 to wake up. I didn't even move to turn it off, I just let it buzz until Mikasa knocked on my door in concerned irritation, "Eren get up already and turn that thing off."

I silently rolled over and slammed my hand on the snooze button.

"Didn't sleep well again?" She quizzed, eyebrows drawing together.

"Yeah. I'll live though."

My morning was a blur, I was on autopilot as I did my mundane morning tasks.

"Eren is something going on? You seem kinda out of it the past couple of days..." Mikasa sat across the table from me as I mechanically chewed my cereal.

"Just been having weird dreams. Don't worry about it too awful much." I muttered into my bowl.

"Maybe it's the weather. It's been raining for a week straight."

I shrugged, I didn't have the heart to tell her been like this for months. These weird dreams that plagued my conscious and sucked the life out of me.

She looked at me suspiciously for a moment.

"Maybe you're depressed?" She offered.

I glared at my adopted sister's suggestion and she shrugged in response, black hair falling around her in a wave.

Before I was even remotely ready to tackle the day, I was on the subway that took us to Trost Academy. The stop just before we got to school, Armin boarded and smiled at us in greeting.

"Hey, Eren. Mikasa." He nodded to each of us, "Did you guys hear about that big wreck that happened on the interstate last night?"

"What wreck?" Mikasa cocked her head slightly.  
"It killed three people, one including Mrs. McAllister." Armin's voice got quiet as people shuffled uncomfortably around us. "Did you not hear about it. It was all over he news."

"Hey, wait a minute," I narrowed my eyes at Armin, "Mrs. McAllister is my french teacher." _And one of my favorites_.

"Well, yeah. That's why the school has gotten so involved."

Well shit. There went all my hope for getting that last credit for my graduation. "Who is going to teach the class now? If I don't get this credit, I'm not going to get to graduate!"

"From what I understand, they just have to hire a new teacher. They're not just going to drop the class, Eren."

I heaved a sigh of relief, "Good. Let's hope the new teacher will just pass me. I don't want to have to work."

"This is why you've fallen behind on credits, Eren." Mikasa shook her head in dismay, "You need to actually put effort in."

I snorted and dropped the subject, leaving us in an awkward silence as we exited the train.

* * *

The second my foot hit the floor of the school commons, I felt the heavy atmosphere.

"Armin!" An all too annoyingly familiar voice called across the large room, "Hey, over here!"  
Jean mother fuckin' Kirstein waved his arm through the air to catch Armin's attention.

"I'll catch you guys after school." I muttered, letting them attend to their own friendships. I wanted nothing to do with any of them at the moment.

I strode quickly to my first class, french, to find the room empty. I sighed in relief, jammed my headphones into my ears and cranked Mystery Skulls as loud as I was comfortable with.

I tugged my sketchbook out of my bag, flipped to the next blank page and began to doodle mindlessly as I usually do. My mind wandered as my pencil worked automatically, sketching out a humanoid figure, adding muscles and medium length hair. I drew my eyebrows together in concentration, detailing the body like it was an atomically correct muscle poster you'd see in the first year biology rooms. I darkened the lines, shading the details just right then slammed my pencil to the desktop. It looked grotesquely conversant, I imagined the creature to be massive, cold and unintelligent eyes sparkling in blood lust.

There was an abrupt tug on my earbuds, one popping out of my ear. I snarled in irritation, casting a death glare to whom ever had disturbed me in the zone.

Armin looked at me with concern, blue eyed wide at my expression.

"Hey Eren." He started as I smoothed my expression and turned my music down so I could hear him. "I've noticed something recently."

"What would that be?" I questioned, closing my sketchbook.

"You've seemed a bit off for the past few months. Like, especially today. Has something happened?"

I hesitated, disgruntled by his tone. "Nothing happened. How am I acting different?"

_Way to go Jeager, play dumb._

"You've been kinda, depressed I guess. Like you aren't yourself. Mikasa asked me if you'd told me anything. She's concerned too."

"Armin, thanks for being concerned, but it's nothing. I'm just stressed."

He studied me suspiciously, and stood. "Okay. But if you need anyone to talk to. I'm still here."

The bell rang loudly, signaling my personal hell to finally begin.

I debated on zoning out after our substitute teacher walked in with Principal Smith. The tall, built man stood neatly waiting for the class to quiet down.

I continued studying my drawing, intrigued by the familiarity if it. Had I seen this creature in a movie or something? I'm pretty sure they're called Titans-

Principal Smith cleared his throat and began speaking, his deep voice snapping me out of my thoughts

"As most of you know, your teacher, Mrs.McAllister, passed yesterday after being in a car accident sometime around eleven o'clock last night."

Some students shuffled uncomfortably in their desks. My head began to throb.

"I am here to give my condolences to all of you, and encourage you to talk to our counselors if you need anyone to grieve to."

"We will be holding a memorial service on Friday after school in the auditorium. Feel free to attend."

"We also have a new teacher who will start tomorrow, you all will treat him with respect and not make excuses because of this. We have to move on and continue despite this tragic event. If there are any questions or concerns, come talk to me personally and I will see to it any issue is solved."

He nodded after a moment of silence, turned and whispered something to the sub then left without another word.

_Shit. Now what?_

"Oi, Eren. What are you drawing there?" Connie Springer peered through my arms that were now covering the Titan sketch. "That's freaky looking. Is that from a video game or something?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. I just drew it.

He nodded in approval, "That's cool."

* * *

 

  
_"Tell me, Eren. Do you resent me?"_

_"No, sir."_

_The man sat next to me, addressing me in an almost concerned voice. The corporal was never this sympathetic. Ever._

_Another voice spoke, I didn't catch quite what they said._

_I gazed at the person in front of me, glasses and eyes sparkling in both concern and twisted fascination. She held out a cloth with a tooth on it and I guess it was mine. I opened my mouth and the woman looked in shock._

_"It's already grown back!"_

* * *

 

The cold sweat that covered my face made me cringe and take in my surroundings. I took ragged breaths as I to my surroundings.

_Where the fuck am I?_

"It's about time you woke up." I heard Mikasa's unhappy sigh from the seat next to the bed I was laying on. "I thought you'd died in your sleep or something."

Confusion set in. "What happened? How long how I been out? How did I get into the nurses office? "

"Jean had to carry you here. You passed out in your desk suddenly and put the whole class into panic." Armin cast a troubled look at me from across the room. Jean stood at the window, looking out without speaking.

"It's two, by the way." I heard the deep, velvety voice of Principal Smith from the doorway. "Are you feeling better, Eren?" I couldn't tell if he was angry or not. His blue orbs were the usual look of mild scrutiny, and his posture was relaxed.

  
"I suppose so, sir." I didn't meet his eyes; told the lie like I meant it. My head was still throbbing agonizingly.

  
"You shouldn't come to school if you're ill, you know. I went ahead and had your absences excused for the day, you may need the day off tomorrow, no?"

Suspicion instantly shot through my veins, "No sir I feel better now. I can get to class now-"

"Your father has been contacted. I'm sending you home, you need the rest." He interrupted me then turned to Mikasa, "You too. If he passes out again, call a doctor or send him to a hospital."

"I'm okay, seriously-" I started but stopped at the sharp look Mikasa's gave me.

The second we left the school, Mikasa had her phone out and called my Dad. She jabbed an earbud in my ear as we waited for the subway.

"Hello? Mikasa?" My dad's voice was in my ear, "Where are you at?"

"We are in the subway waiting for the next one to come through" She answered.

"Is Eren with you?"

"Yes, do you want to speak to him?"

"No. It's okay. I was going to ask you, has Eren been having issues sleeping and eating? Has he told you about having nightmares? Panic attacks?"

Mikasa looked at me, then answered, "I'm not going to lie, yeah he's had all of those."

I shot her a glare.

"For how long?"

"I'm not sure? A while now I guess."

"How long is a while?"

"Maybe a month or so."

There was a pause and then my dad's long exhale.

"Well, from the symptoms you've described and the things the principal has told me, Eren is showing symptoms of PTSD."

 _PTSD?_ I mouthed the words to Mikasa and she just shrugged.

"How could he have that? He's not suffered trauma-"

"Sometimes people can get PTSD from traumatic events. The only way to help him is to send him to to a therapist or similar." My dad was using his doctor voice now, I'd heard it plenty of times growing up. "People who suffer from PTSD show signs of anxiety, depression and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. I want you to keep an eye on Eren and make sure he doesn't do something reckless until I can get home."

"I doubt he'd take it that far." Mikasa looked irritated at that suggestion. her tone signaled she was done with the conversation. "When will you be home?"

There was another pause, "I'm not sure. Sometime soon though-"

The subway came to a screeching halt, opening up and let people on the platform board.

"Train's here. Bye." Mikasa didn't even give my dad time to answer before hanging up and tugged the earpiece away from me.

I stepped into the tin-can on wheels and took a seat away from the other people in the compartment. Mikasa sat next to me and snarled venomously, "The only way you'd get PTSD is if you went to war or something. I think honestly that you are just stressed from starting senior year off like you have. If he'd actually stop by the house or call sometimes, he'd see that."

I snorted, "Easy now, Mikasa, of you keep talking like that, I'd say you resent Dad."

She just looked at me, ridiculing my feigning of innocence. "It's not that I resent him. I'm just a tad pissed that he's never here when we need him."

"As long as he pays rent and utilities on the house and leaves us as usual, it's all good in my books."

The silence hung heavy, as we rolled up to our stop and stood to get to the door. I glanced around me and pulled out the sketch of the Titan from my pocket and sighed.

When I stepped off the subway I wrinkled my nose at the smell of exhaust and cigarette smoke. The wind blew through swiftly, snatching the paper out from my fingers. It flew out of my grasp and Mikasa gasped in surprise, clutching to her scarf desperately.

"Where'd that come from so suddenly?" she hissed in irritation, but I didn't quite comprehend what she had said because I just numbly watched the sketch fly through the station and up the stairs.

 _Well shit_.

* * *

 

The rest of the afternoon drug by painfully with absolutely no excitement whatsoever. Quite frankly I was bored out of my goddamn mind. I resorted to lounging on my bed, earbuds plugged in and a playlist of EDM going.

I studied my ceiling, light fading to darkness as the day passed away into night. I was so tired, but my body just couldn't shut down. I rolled over, a massive sigh breaking me out of my sleep-deprived trance.

Slumping onto into a sitting position then standing, I decided to go out for a walk. My hand stiffly dug through my nightstand drawer, snatched the small box and stuffed it into my pocket.

"Shit."I huffed, realizing I was almost out of cigarettes. Judging from the weight of the box I had maybe one or two left. I'd have to get some when I saw Bertoldt next.

The second I shut the front door, I had a cigarette poked between my lips and the lighter burning the tip. Shrugging my jacket on my back, I set out to aimlessly wander through the city.

Boston was still alive, even though it was already one in the morning, the sounds of the interstate rang through the air. I stepped off the curb, avoiding the massive stream of water slinking through the gutters.

The rain had let up to a bare mist, but the clouds still looked down on the streets maliciously, anticipating the opportunity to strike again with vigor.

I walked a few blocks down to the subway station and skipped down the stairs as the rain began again. I flicked the ashes off my smoke and studied the empty tracks.

My mind wandered back to what my dad had said as I stood at the platform. Was PTSD really my issue? Is that was what causing me to turn into this awful mess? Did other people just get it out of the blue?

I pressed the heel of my palm into my sternum, feeling as though my heart itself stirred in discomfort.

I looked around me, disgruntled by the restless feeling I had in my gut. The station was empty, sans myself, and then a man stepping nonchalantly down the stairs.

I studied this man, curiosity getting the better of me. Why would anyone out this late? Why was I even out this late? Maybe he was as restless as I was-

The man looked up, meeting my gaze. I saw recognition flicker across his face. What hit me next made my knees weak.

 _De ja vu_.

I stood, knees locked and stunned as the train pulled up. The man nodded in recognition of my existence then boarded the train. I felt myself sway, starstruck by the familiar feeling that smashed my soul to agonizing pieces.

The doors shut, and the train began moving.

"WAIT!" Suddenly I was running next to the train, looking in the window at the man in panic. He looked back at me like I was insane, "Wait! Have I met you before? Hey!"

He shook his head and looked away as the subway sped forward. I kept running until the platform ended then stopped and watched in disappointment as it dissolved into the tunnel.

My heart was in my throat as I sank to my knees.

_"What the hell is wrong with me?"_

* * *

 

That next morning, I rose with not a single wink of sleep. My exausted mind and body worked automatically, nodding to questions when I was asked.

I wasn't all there and Mikasa noticed first thing. Her attentive questions didn't quite reach me. My mind was on the man I had seen in the subway.

The haze continued relentlessly as I got to school, sat in french class and mindlessly doodled on my french notebook.

The teacher was late, they said the new teacher would be here today-

"What're you drawing there, Jeager?" Jean snorted mockingly at me. His friends snickered and Marco elbowed both of them.

I blinked, looking at my drawing. Before I could respond, the door of the classroom flew open and a short, dark haired man strode in, black roper boots clicking against the tile.

My jaw hit the floor when I met the teachers eyes.

I glanced down in panic at my paper then back up to his stare.

An irritated spark flashed across his expression as he held my gaze, slammed his suitcase on his desk and stood in front of the now silent class.

He cleared his throat, broke eye contact and began speaking.

"Good morning, class. My name is Levi Ackerman. Call me Riville." His voice was so familiar. I looked up again in shock and focused on his face. Black undercut hair, heavy lidded, tired eyes and an almost monotone voice. The similarities hit me like a million bricks. I glanced again to the sketch on my notebook.

_It was him! The man from my dreams-!_

_Lance Corporal Levi._

_Heicho_.

"Don't bother with all the formalities." He continued, storm grey eyes betraying not a single emotion.

"You all know your previous teacher has passed and I'm here in her place. I'm sorry for your loss so early in the school year." He paused to write is name elegantly on the chalkboard. I felt lightheaded as he finished the E with a flourish. Something in my soul stirred in discomfort for the second time today.

"Hope you little shitstains aren't offended by foul language because it's a habit of mine I refuse to break."

"Don't think just because your previous teacher is gone that you'll get to blow off the rest of this school year in this class. It's going to be like a normal class is going to go. Do your homework, don't turn in shit for projects, listen to lectures and don't slaughter your enunciation."

He nodded to himself in finality then turned to the chalkboard again. Principal Smith nodded to Riville and turned to leave the classroom.

I took a wild breath and stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes.  
> I'm out of artistic juice.  
> I'd love feedback so I know if people actually like this or not.  
> I'm doing my best to work through the art block but my time has been consumed by Aoba and his reverse harem.  
> Ugh, send help.


	2. The Only Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys  
> hello  
> haha  
> im not dead  
> just really bad at finishing fics

The second that I stood, I absolutely regretted it. My head was spinning and the voices of the students around me were contorted beyond identification. My ears were flooded with the sound of my heavy breathing and heartbeat in my throat.

I took a shaky step forward, forcing my mind to focus on Principal Smith, who had been lounging at the door as Riville gave his intro. He had turned to look at me. Apparently I had said something?

Jean had his hand on my shoulder, "Are you okay, Eren?"

I nodded faintly, swiping his hand away and grabbing my backpack from my desk. I staggered out of the classroom behind Principal Smith. Jean, Mikasa, and Armin followed me in quiet concern. The hallway spun sickeningly slow.

"Jeager, I swear to god, if you pass out again-" Jean's irritated mutter surfaced in my mind when I fell slightly to the left, the wall catching my shoulder.

I pressed my back into the wall and slid to a sitting position. Nausea hit me like a brick house.

"Breathe, Eren." Armin whispered as harsh coughs tore through my throat. "Take deep breaths, you're going to pass out again. Mikasa, he's hyperventilating!"

"I can see that, Armin. What do we do?" Mikasa couldn't cloak the concern on her voice as she addressed the burly principal took a knee down to our level.

I buried my face to my knees, my ears rang painfully and my heart felt like it was going implode.

"What the fuck is going on?" I croaked painfully, sweat rolling down my throat, "What's happening to me?"

Oh god, it hurt. My head, my heart, what the hell-

I gripped my pants tighter, shaking my head as I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I snarled and jumped to a shaky defensive stance, fist pulled back to punch, but cold fingers wrapped around my wrist.

"Oi, brat, calm the fuck down. Breathe. You're freaking your classmates out." His voice broke through the ringing and I hesitated.

My pause gave Riville enough time to sweep his leg under mine, sending my shaking body to the floor on my back. I looked up in confusion, ceiling and a swirl of faces swimming above me.

"Am I THAT scary?" Riville's voice had an almost humorous note to it as I force my mind to focus. "Or does this happen a lot and you didn't tell me, Erwin?"

Closing my eyes, I honed in on Riville and his almost soothing voice. I took several deep breaths, "Good, breathe, Jeager." Erwin interjected, "Keep that up."

Riville took a wild breath and held it when Principal Smith said my name. He didn't speak anymore after that, he just kept my hands pinned to the ground by my head without another word.

* * *

  
_"Deep breaths, boy!"_

_A choked sob left my throat._

_"Breathe!"_

_I gasped harshly._

_"In."_

_"Out."_

_"In."_

_"Out."_

_"You need to learn to calm yourself, Jeager. I'm not going to be here for you to help every time you have an attack."_

_I barely managed a choked reply._

_"I'll do my best, Corporal."_

* * *

 

It took a few minutes of labored breathing for me to finally come fully to my senses. I almost didn't want to get up. It was embarrassingly obvious that I had a problem. I hoped and prayed that it would go away soon.

I opened my eyes, Riville still pinning my arms down, Erwin observing me closely and Mikasa stood a few feet away with Armin and Jean. They all looked a bit freaked.

"You better now, kid?" Riville was the first to break the silence as he released my hands.

"I think so. What happened?" I ran my hand through my hair.

"You tell me and we'll all know." His tone was taking an irritated turn.

"You had another of those weird attacks-" Mikasa flicked an irritated look in Riville's direction.

"Another? This had happened before?" The raven-haired man snorted in annoyance. "This is a regular thing?"

I felt my eyebrow twitch in irritation, "No, it's not."

"Yesterday he just stood up then passed out." Jean interjected through clenched teeth. That didn't help my case.

The French teachers eyebrows shot up in confusion before smoothing out to the normal expressionless face. Erwin stood, taking a deep breath, "I'm sending you home."

My heart sank, "No, really, I'm okay now. " I sat up as Riville stood.

"Judging from that little fiasco, no. You are not okay." I scowled at him.

"I'm going to have a word with your father again, so I'll let you leave once I've gotten to speak to him. Until then, you're going to stay in the nurses office and rest." Principal Smith seemed distant as he spoke, Riville shifted his weight to his left foot then turned to the class without a word. I followed him with my eyes, noting the familiar sway as he walked and the clicking of his boots.

Nearly 2 hours passed before I was able to leave. Principal Smith sat me down and told me he recommended a therapist to my dad and I was going to go just to see what was wrong. If it was anything serious, they would do what they could to help me with whatever the hell was wrong with me.

I went home myself this time, stubbornly insisting that I could make it home just fine. Mikasa reluctantly took my offer of me calling her when I got home; she returned to her class after more strong reassurance.

The trip to the subway station was uneventful. I watched the people rush around trying to find lunch before their breaks were over in dull interest. I stood at the platform, averting my eyes to my shoes when a person stood next to me.

Whoever they where, they studied me in intense interest before clearing their throat.

"Excuse me, but do I know you from somewhere?"

I hesitated at the question, whoever this person was, they sounded familiar. "I'm not sure." I turned to look them and I met bright, enthusiastic chocolate colored eyes. High cheekbones, a slightly crooked nose, thin lips that curved up in delighted surprise-

"You have gorgeous eyes! Yes, I definitely know you from somewhere! I'm Hanji Zoe...hm... How old are you? What's your Dad's work? Is he from around here?"

I staggered at all the questions, and wondered whether Hanji was a man or a woman. Hanji looked like a girl, but her voice was slightly rough and there was a noticeable male angle in her jaw..?

"Thanks, people say I have my mom's eyes. I'm eighteen. My dad's a doctor at Trost university-"

"What's your last name?" Hanji stopped short.

I stammered taken aback by the sudden change of expression, "J-Jeager?"

Her face went completely blank as she straightened up, tapped her boot on the pavement with an impatient click. The silence was abruptly broken when she sprung up in excitement, face lit up like Christmas in the middle of October. "I still don't know where. I've met you before-" The subway came to a screaming halt, "But I have to go. Here's my number, call me or something." She jabbed a small business card into my palm.

"Wait," I faltered, "Are you-"

The laugh that bubbled out of Hanji's throat made me shuffle uncomfortably, "On paper, I'm a male. But I go about my life as a woman." She winked.

I nodded at her as she stepped onto the train, "Please do message me. So I have your number at least. If I remember where I met you, I can refresh your memory-!" The doors closed on her words and she looked unhappily at me as the train started moving.

I stood dumbfounded my the sudden flurry of activity just now, it had all happened so fast-

I gazed down at the small card she had handed me and it read: Hanji Zoe. Psychologist; Research division Survey Corps. Then her number.

I felt a chill sink to my bones and I debated on calling her or whatever she wanted. But what if she just said that because she was hitting on me?

I snorted at my own foolishness. Of course she wasn't doing that. She seemed genuinely interested in who I was and I recognized her too. But from where?

I mulled on the thought all the way home and clutched the card to my chest as I stepped into my room.

I tossed my backpack into its usual corner behind my closet door. My shoes soon followed as I settled comfortably in my desk chair. My desk  
covered in an assortment of drawing, painting and gaming goods, which was a bad mix to have together.

Mikasa had gotten onto me for leaving them like that saying 'One day you're going to be playing Team Fortress 2 and knock your brushes all over the place or get water everywhere on your laptop or something.' I definitely will prove her point sometime. It's bound to happen. But I still leave it all out in vain hope to feel like painting again.

I heaved a heavy sigh, studying a blank sketchbook page in front of me. I tapped my eraser impatiently on the surface, willing some idea, ANY idea, to come to mind but I was drawing a blank. My head started to hurt.

The only thing my brain was willing to bring up was Hanji and how the hell I knew her.

I felt that recognition was teasing my mind, but it just didn't click. I surely would have remembered Hanji if Dad had introduced us. I hadn't met many of my Dad's acquaintances, I really didn't care to remember them...

I let an irritated sigh hiss through my teeth, slamming the pencil to the surface of the desk.  
"This fucking blows," I muttered, frustrations getting the better of me.  
The squeak of my chair as I sat back echoed through the empty room.

It was going to be a long evening.

* * *

  
I skipped school for three days before I got a call from my dad. It took me exactly four minutes and thirty-eight seconds to blow him off with an excuse to not go and he accepted. Not like he cared much anyway. It also took me three days to gather the balls to call Hanji. I had spent my sleepless evenings reading the card over and over again, like the writing would change as I worried it between my fingers.

"This is Hanji." She answered the phone in a serious tone, "What can I do for you today?"

"U-uh, Hi. My name is Eren. You gave me your card in the subway station the other day-"

"OH EREN!" she immediately changed tone. "You finally called!" Hanji sounded like she was jumping out of her seat and moving around in a hurry. I cringed slightly at the volume of her voice but managed to keep my own even.

"Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've been having troubles at school and I've been ill..."

"No need to worry! I knew you'd call me when you were ready! We need to meet up asap. I have some questions for you!"

"What kind of questions do you need to ask that you can't just ask over the phone?"

"I prefer to talk to my clients in person, silly." Was her simple reply and I sighed.

"Wait client???" I immediately questioned, Hanji just laughed and gave me the address of a coffee shop a few blocks down from my house.

"Do you need a ride?" She quizzed.

"No," I shuffled my feet in my entryway. I had planned on going out anyway, so maybe going to see Hanji would pass the time faster. "That shop isn't too far from home, I can walk."

"Great! I'll see you there soon then?"

"Of course."

"Okay, I'm heading that way! Bye!"

The line went dead.

...

What the fuck just happened?

...

I opened the front door dumbfounded.

Hanji sure was an aberrant character, though, I kind of already liked her.

"Right, you say that now. For all you now she's the same as Dad..." I muttered aloud to myself as I stepped onto the wet sidewalk and began my journey to The Bluff Coffee shop.

The clouds hung heavy and threatening over my head as I scuffed my way down the street. I buried my hands into the plain navy blue jacket I was wearing. Maybe I should have worn a better jacket.

I cast my eyes up to the sky where it was steeling itself for another downpour soon. Grey painted across the heavens made my gloomy mood settle into my chest and bones. I never realized how much I missed the sun until spring hit and the rain was a constant.

Blue neon lights greeted me as I approached the coffee shop. The outdoor seating was abandoned, minus one figure seated farthest away from the door. The umbrella that stood at the middle of the table looked slightly weathered, the bright tribal pattern faded from the years of sunlight.

"Eren!" Hanji greeted me cheekily from the table, waving for him to have a seat.

"Hi," was all I could really muster before she forced a cup into my hands and consulted a small notepad she had set out on the table.

"Tell me," She started, "How are you feeling? You look pretty tired."

"I'm fine," I insisted, eyeing the cup of unknown liquid in my hand like a snake.

"It's just green tea. It's good for the body." Hanji pushed her glasses up her nose and looked at me seriously for a second.

"I'm a friend of Erwin and Levi just to answer your next question."

I just looked at her, mouth set in a hard line.

So this is what she wanted to talk about-

"But they didn't send me to talk to you. I recognized you from a picture that a guy at the office used to have. I didn't know your dad personally, and that's not why I took interest in you." she paused to sip her tea before she continued, "I saw you in the train station and thought 'he looks like someone I used to know!' But as I talked to you, I could tell something else is wrong. Me, being a psychiatrist, I'm literally trained to read others well. You, my friend, are not okay. And I want to help you-"

"I'm not crazy." I stated flatly, setting my cup on the table and began to get up. "I'll be going now."

"No! Wait! Do you by chance have a form of PTSD?"

I stopped short, irritation flaring up in my stomach.

"That's what my Dad had called it-."

"I knew it! I'm doing research into the side affects of PTSD in children. I wanted to ask you a few questions just to confirm some of my research. Erwin told me you had panic attacks in school, and your interaction with the other students are minimal. Please just humor me, it'll be worth your time, I promise."

"How could you possibly make that worth my time?"

"I know things," She tapped her temple with her pen and gestured for me to sit again.

I clenched my teeth and slowly sat, interest peaked. _What could you possibly know?_

"Okay, first off, I want to say that I do not think you are crazy. Believe it or not, there's an odd number of children with PTSD starting to surface with no cause whatsoever. Some kids have grown up in healthy homes, haven't had any traumatic experiences yet are have a rising of anxiety, violent behavior, and night terrors similar to war veterans."

I blinked as she continued.

"These kids have to be linked somehow." She looked at me seriously, "You have to be linked to them somehow."

"Look, I don't know what it could be. Maybe it's because my mother died when I was young and my Dad is so engrossed in his work to give two shits about me or my sister, Mikasa."

Hanji's eyes lit up like she had hit a jackpot. "You have a sister? Mikasa, you said? Does she show the same symptoms as you do? What symptoms do you have? I mean besides the panic attacks. Judging by your face you seem to be a rather extreme insomniac." She prattled through her questions and started scribbling in her notepad in fervor.

"Uh," I didn't know what to answer first.

"Okay, sorry I'm going a little fast. We can start first, on your Name age and date of birth."

"Eren Jeager. Eighteen. March thirtieth." I kept my answers short, much like my patience. I didn't need a psych evaluation right now.

"Okay," She wrote quickly before starting her next series of questions. "Tell me, what makes your Dad think you have PTSD?"

I set my jaw, "I don't really like talking about this."

She let out a huff in exasperation, "Please, just do your best."

"Okay, fine. I don't sleep, but when I do. I have weird dreams. My anxiety has been wreaking havoc on me, Mikasa has shown her concern about this alleged 'depression' I have."

I made air quotes around depression.

Hanji nodded, writing notes. "Describe your dreams to me."

It took me a second to gather my thoughts. "Just darkness and weird voices. Someone named Heicho. I don't know what that even means. Blood, towering figures."

Hanji went stiff, scribbling screeching to a halt as she looked up gravely. "Do you remember anything else?"

I shook my head.

She sighs and writes more for a moment. I took my first sip of the tea. It was sweet and had a small splash of milk.

"Hey, you know how to make a good tea. How'd you know to put milk in it?"

Hanji chuckled oddly and said simply, "It was a lucky guess I suppose."

I narrowed my eyes for a moment. She didn't look up as she asked the last question.

"Do you have these, panic attacks, around specific people or certain situations?"

"I don't know really. I literally had a panic attack the other day and I don't know if that's from anyone or anything specific."

Hanji nodded and wrote a bit more before clicking her pen.

"I need to attend a meeting soon, if you don't mind. Would you be okay with meeting up another time?"

"I'll have to see. I'm pretty busy with school and all..." I lied, looking thoughtfully to the umbrella above us.

"I'll give you a call as soon as I can." She gathered her things and smiled to me. "Thank you so much for your time."

I nodded and thanked her as well.

Then she was gone with a brisk click of roper boots.

 


	3. Heart of Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna die.  
> I've sat on this and wanted to write but it's hard when I HAVE NO MOTIVATION  
> but here I am  
> writing again  
> this chapter might even end up like shit but I hope it doesn't  
> I'll do my best to make it good  
> I'll make sure it's good

Missing school and work for three days was a luxury. But when time finally caught up with me, I wasn't ready for it.

Mikasa woke me up the next morning with breakfast and silence. Dad had come home the previous evening, surprising us both with his unnecessary presence in the house. She's not much of one to have words when Dad was around. 

"Eren! Mikasa! I'm home for a few days!" He'd greeted us with what felt like false enthusiasm. Mikasa's mood immediately soured.

"What brings you home so suddenly?" She interrogated him as he set his suitcase on the ground by the couch in the living room and headed for the kitchen.

"I need to be home for Eren." he replied simply, digging through the fridge for something.

"Well, no need to worry about me!" I faked cheerfulness, "I'm fine. Attending school! Doing my homework!"

My Dad didn't buy it. "Eren, from what your teachers told me, you're not attending school."

"I've been sick the past few days, so I stayed home-"

"If you were sick, you should have gone to a doctor and gotten a note for them to have on file."

I could feel my jaw twitch as I clenched it in irritation. "Well, I'm going to school today, so you don't have to worry about it."  
Dad just looked at me suspiciously.

"What have you been doing here at home for the past few days?"

I blinked, "Resting? What else would I be doing?"

He didn't say anything else as Mikasa tugged on my arm. Her expression was a warning and I heeded it as I trudged lazily to the bathroom for a quick shower.

The tension on my shoulders didn't fade when the scalding water poured over me. Part of me didn't want to attend classes at all that day. Dread for French really is what made the idea of school unappealing. I didn't want to see that Levi guy again.

I sighed heavily, standing motionless under the water, filling he small bathroom with a thick steam that made it hard to breathe.

It was comforting.

My serene state was disturbed by a sharp knock on the door.

"Eren! We need to leave! What are you doing still in the shower?!?" Mikasa cried in dismay at my lack of urgency.

"I'm done, damn." I muttered.

* * *

The hustle and bustle of the subway was almost comforting.

Almost.

Mikasa and I weaved our way through the sleepy, robot-like people filing through the station with practiced ease, avoiding the one homeless guy who had a tendency to stop passer by in attempt to get money for a subway ride.

Someone stepped on the back of my shoe, making my shoe come half off and my sock was disheveled when I stepped onto the platform. I hissed in irritation at the person and stumbled to fix it; the voice of the nice lady overhead echoed dully through the mass of people that managed to jam themselves into the car around us.

I blinked for a moment.

Everything seemed so clear cut today. My vision was clear, my head didn't ache as much as usual. I removed an earbud. My mind was clear, taking in my surroundings with startling clarity for the first time in what felt like years. I reveled in the sounds, sights and smells around me. The pungent smell of coffee and an old woman's perfume assaulted my nose, making my eyes water a bit before I got adjusted. The guy in front of me clung to the railing as he sipped his coffee with lifeless eyes. I looked down and study the front of the new hoodie Mikasa had bought me for the school year. The deep green fabric wrinkled around my frame. I smoothed the lines, the texture making an almost giddy feeling in my body.  People's soft conversations floated around me vividly, someone cleared their throat next to me.

I came out of my trance and looked at Mikasa next to me, who had narrowed eyes and a mouth set in a hard line. She looked livid.

"What?" I knit my eyebrows and leaned away from her, the accusation in her eyes made a small amount of anger flare up in my stomach.

"Look what your Dad just sent me," her voice was like a steel blade, distaste cutting through me coldly. "I'm about fed up with the shit your Dad has already brought up. This one takes the cake, though."

Her phone screen was open to a text conversation with Dad. I studied it closer and felt my heart had dropped to my feet.

"He found those cigarettes in your nightstand. Meaning he's been digging through your belongings."

I blinked in shock at the last message he'd sent.

_Is Eren doing drugs, too?_

I set my jaw, dropping all emotion from my face best I could and just shook my head in dismissal. Studying the earbud dangling from my fingertips in feigned interest, I put it back in my ear. Drowning my thoughts out with the loud music seemed like the answer.

I let the clarity vanish.

Crawling back into my over-fortified walls, I buried everything I was feeling and let the numbness wash over me once again.

I welcomed it's presence this time.

* * *

I completely bypassed Armin and the others in favor of just getting to class and ignoring everyone for the day. The cold rage that filled me seeped into my bones as I took my place at my desk with an ungraceful slam. Shuffling through my backpack for my notebook and a pencil, I felt someone's eyes on me but I didn't bother to look up as I opened to the next blank page. The lull between songs in my ears made it too easy to hear the voices that began trickling through the earpieces, signaling the inevitable beginning of classes. I clicked the end of the mechanical pencil I had managed to find, but there was barely any lead. I sighed softly and set the pencil to the side.

Armin, Jean and Connie all walked in at the same time, settling into their places around me. I didn't want to deal with this today.

"You're staring," I popped an earbud out and the pressure change made my ear ache for a second. "I'm fine, nothing wrong here."

Armin's eyebrows sank slowly but just said, "Glad to see you here today. You're going to have a ton of homework!"

I snorted, "I know, I've already had to work on some of it since Mikasa took some home for me. And I'm not anticipating the amount of notes I'll have to copy for the tests." My head sunk to my folded arms on my desk in dismay, already socially exhausted and wasn't ready for the amount I'd have to talk to people all day.

Something I'd been saying through the entirety of high school rang through my head. I cringed at myself internally.

_Fake it till you make it._

There where crisp clicks of boots on the tile classroom floor just as the bell rang. The short, tired-eyed teacher set his coffee on his desk before addressing the class.

"Alright everyone, you know the drill. Books out, read the first section and do the practice to the best of your ability." His gaze leveled out as his eyes trailed to me. I swallowed dryly and looked back down to my notebook. I forgot my damn book.

Armin nudged me with his elbow and passed me his book, "Use this, I already did the warm up..." I looked up at him, hoping my appreciative look conveyed how thankful I was. I didn't want to be on this teachers bad side.

I looked down to the open chapter and clicked my pencil in vain, the bare amount of lead I had was going to do that annoying thing where it slid back into the pencil when I put pressure on it. I chose to ignore the minor inconvenience and focused on the letters in front of me. They seemed to swirl and move about on the page as I attempted to comprehend the language in front of me. There was a section in English that explained the mechanic we were supposed to be studying but it went over my head like a gust of wind.

I just stared blankly at the book, pencil resting on the surface of the notebook I had open, anxiety welling up in my chest. I got the feeling that if I didn't write at least SOMETHING down, Raiville would pick on me and make me read aloud to the class. He seemed like the type of guy to do that. I felt the cold sweat break out over my skin.

_Why are you afraid, Jeager?_

I blinked, teeth clenched eyes scanning over the words again and I just resorted to copying the words on the page into my notebook with my tiny stump of lead. I pretended I was working hard and began a full fledged panic attack internally when Raiville began speaking firmly in french. I paused, focusing on the words and his oddly familiar voice.

He spoke fluidly, each enunciation rolling off his tongue like a creek rolling over the stones at the bottom. He began writing on the board, chalk scratching across the surface of the blackboard over the sound of his voice.

He paused for a moment to finish writing and turned on his heel to face the class. Raiville's stormy grey eyes scanned the class as he spoke again. His eyes landed on me and I stiffened.

"Arlert, can you translate what I said and answer the question?" He didn't break eye contact with me, but something seemed to spark in his eyes. Irritation?

Armin answered easily, stammering over a few words but was corrected by the teacher. I let out the breath I was holding.

The rest of class was tense. I did my best to not bring attention to myself and Levi picked on certain students around the room. He made Jean stand up and repeat a phrase several times, sharply correcting the horseface when there was any error in his phrasing.

"This isn't rocket science, Keristein. It's french. Relax and pay attention." Raiville's stoic face didn't flinch when the bell rang, signaling the beginning of passing period.

I practically tossed Armin his book back and stuffed my notebook back into my backpack in a rush. I wanted out of there before Raiville could stop me on the way out.

"Jeager, stay for a moment, I need a word with you." His voice, smooth as marble, caught me just as I was tossing my backpack over my shoulder. I made a sound in the back of my throat in distaste as I took my walk of shame to the oak desk at the front of the class.

Raiville took a seat in his office chair, attention on some papers he was straightening up as I approached. I stood there like an idiot, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. "You needed me?"

He leveled his stony gaze at me. I felt all the muscles in my back stiffen and I clutched my backpack strap till my knuckles were white and aching.

"Feeling any better today, Jeager?'

I was slightly taken aback. "I-I'm feeling much better, thanks."

He blinked, "If you need help with the classwork, you can just ask the kid next to you. Arlert knows what he's doing and you've missed enough of the important stuff that none of this is making sense. I could tell by the panicked look on your face for the entirety of class."

I felt heat rise up my face, "S-sorry, I didn't want to disturb the-"

"If you're tactful, it won't disturb anyone," he cut me off with a no nonsense tone and handed me a packet. "This will help you catch up with what you've missed. I know your sister or whoever that is has been bringing in your work, but the coursework we do in class is vital to passing."

I just looked at the packet, dumbfounded by this weirdly kind gesture. His expression quickly changed to irritation, "Do you want it or not?"

"O-oh. I do. S-sorry, I was lost in thought for a second." I quickly grabbed the packet and swallowed hard. "Je vous remercie."

Raiville's eyebrow twitched at my sad attempt at the thank you.

"I'll let that one pass for now. Work on how you pronounce 'vous'. It's not that flat."

I nodded and scuffled hastily out of the room, heart pounding a million miles an hour. I rushed to trig and sat numbly in my seat, spacing out as the bell rang and the teacher began her lesson.

I was shaken from my stupor by my phone buzzing annoyingly in my pocket. I pulled it out, hiding behind my backpack as I read the text from an unnamed number.

_This is Hanji! Sorry to contact you with my personal number, but I wanted to ask you a few quick questions if you have a moment._

I shrugged and tapped out a quick reply and waited. Not like I needed to pay attention anyway. I had missed the beginning of this chapter, so I had no idea what we were doing.

_What do you see in your dreams? Do you just hear voices or do you see anything specific?_

I paused for a moment at her question. Did I really see anything? I thought hard about it before replying.

_I do sometimes. Though I usually only see glimpses of things. People I do and don't know. Once I think I was riding a horse but I can't be sure._

As I hit send I felt like I should have left the horse thing out. It was a little weird.

_Okay! Do you remember anything else?_

I kept my reply short.

_No._

The student in front of me passed me a paper that the teacher was handing out. I looked at it for a second and set it aside, not interested in it at the moment.

_Who have you seen that you know?_

I had to think hard about that one too.

_I'm sure I've seen my friend Armin before. Maybe my Dad but it was super vague._

I hesitated before adding one more thought.

_I'm also sure I had seen my new French teacher in a dream once, but I didn't meet him until earlier this week and I had the dream a few days before that._

I sat nervously waiting for a reply, but the minutes ticked on with no reply. Maybe that was a bit too much information to give.

_Maybe it's just an odd coincidence I saw him. I think I've seen him in the subways or something before he started at my school._

I knew I had, he'd been the one I saw the night I went out on a walk. He'd gotten on the train and hadn't spoken to me about it since. Maybe I should ask him about that...

_Is it okay for us to meet up later today? I'd like to get you a coffee or something and discuss this better in person._

I swallowed hard, lump suddenly forming in my throat for no reason.

_I have work today until ten. Maybe tomorrow when I have the day off again?_

I sighed, having forgotten about work until just now. I worked at the coffee shop Hanji had me meet her at part-time as a helper for my friend Marco and his parents. I loved working there since the atmosphere was so calm and easygoing. It worked well for me because they really didn't need too much help unless someone else called in and they were shorthanded. It gave me a bit of extra money to stow away from games or painting supplies and made Mikasa happy I was doing something besides sitting around.

_Ooohhh, where do you work?_

I smiled lightly at Hanji's response. I heard the text in her voice.

_The Bluff._

Her response was almost instantaneous.

_I'll be sure to stop in for a coffee, then._

I just exhaled quietly and tucked my phone into my jacket pocket, glancing to the front of the class as I pulled out my sketchbook. My teacher was sarcastically replying to a comment made by another student. I put an earbud into my ear.

It was going to be an odd afternoon.

* * *

 The last of my morning classes drug on agonizingly slow. Maybe it was because I was anticipating seeing Hanji? I didn't know.

When I got to the cafeteria, I took my usual spot at the table where my friends gathered to goof off for lunch. Connie and Sasha sat next to one another, making their usual ruckus, Marco was next to Connie. Armin took his seat next to Marco, much to Jean's dismay he sat next to Sasha. My seat was between Armin and Mikasa.

"You wouldn't believe," Sasha pouted loudly, "The amount of homework we got in AP Chem this week and there's a test tomorrow. Already! It's the second week of school! Shouldn't we have more time to get in the groove of things again?"

Marco nodded in agreement. "Well, really it wasn't all that much homework.It was mostly reading and a set of equations to answer..."

"But the reading is really hard!" Sasha defended herself. "I asked Connie if he understood and he just looked at me like I was dumb!"

Armin chuckled, "It's really not that hard. Do you guys want me to explain?"

" _NO."_   The two both replied flatly in unison. "I don't want my appetite ruined by chemistry."

Jean laughed annoyingly and Armin sighed in dismay.

Mikasa piped up, "Did you guys study for the English essay quiz today?"

Sasha threw a shady look and Connie had the deer in the headlights look.

"Aw, c'mon Mikasa, you're ruining their appetite!" Jean mockingly scolded Mikasa and earned a glare in return.

They all burst into argument at the same time, making me cringe. All the voices and smells were killing me, not to mention it was stuffy as hell.

My mind wandered as I tuned out the bickering. Did Mikasa even bring me Chemistry work home? Wait, I wasn't in AP Chem though...

My eyes focused on Connie's hand, who was mindlessly twisting a ketchup packet.

"Connie," I spoke up in irritation at his thoughtlessness. "If you keep twisting that packet like that it's gonna-"

Just as I spoke, Connie twisted the ketchup packet one more time and it exploded out the front. Everyone dodged out of the way in a feeble attempt to avoid the spray of the condiment but it just landed on the unfortunate Armin.

"Smooth move, Connie!" Jean was holding back laughter as Armin blinked in surprise. The ketchup covered his face and barely avoided getting it in his eyes.

I met Armin's mortified gaze with a sheepish look, but something hit me like a truck.

An image of Armin, blood streaming down his face, screaming out to me. He was reaching out to me with a desperate look of terror, his voice echoed in my ears painfully.

The image was in my mind only for a second before I was back to reality.

"Eren?" Armin drew his eyebrows together as he dabbed his face with a napkin.

My heartbeat kick started at the rhythm of a snare-happy band student. I stood up and choked out, "I gotta go," then strode stiffly to the doors that lead to the empty halls. I pulled on the handle and it was locked, as usual, but a student was walking up to the door and they opened it. I didn't say anything as I began a full sprint down the abandoned main hall. I took a sharp right then a left down one of the end corridors and put all my might into my run as my head began to pound. I needed as far away as I could get.

By the time I reached the end of the hallway I felt faint. I slowed my run and walked a few more paces before I dropped my backpack, back pressed into the cool wall. My breaths were in wild gasps, chest tight and head throbbing. Terror was coursing through my veins like ice, making my arms go slightly numb as I slid down the wall. The amount of effort it took for me to pull my knees up and me put my head between my knees was unbelievable. I covered my mouth with one hand, trying to quiet my sobbing gasps, the other hand I had gripping my hair so hard it hurt.

There was a rushing sound in my ears, my head swam, the image of Armin screaming at me came flashing back. There he was, hand out. He wanted to help me. All I had to do was reach out far enough to grab his hand-

"Jeager?"

I barely registered the voice that called out to me and shook my head violently. _Leave me alone!_   I wanted to say. _Don't come near me!_

To my dismay, the sound of footsteps got closer.

Those weren't just any footsteps. I knew those anywhere.

Raiville stopped a few feet from me, I could see his boots now, shifting one way and to another before he stepped closer and knelt down to my level.

"Don't cover your mouth like that, it only makes it worse. I promise." The soft tone he was using made me scrunch my eyes closed, putting more pressure on my scalp as I yanked at my hair harder.

There was those cool hands again, wrapping gently around my left wrist and tugging my hand away from my mouth. I gasped and sat up a little, putting on my best murderous glare at him hoping it's make him go away. I felt tears of frustration and panic sting hotly in my eyes.

That only made me angrier.

He just frowned slightly, a small crease forming between his eyebrows.

 _Why is it always him?_ I thought agonizingly. My lungs and stomach were burning from the hyperventilation.

Raiville's eyes focused on the hand on my head. "Don't pull on your hair like that either. You don't want to pull out your hair again-"

"What do you-" I took a gasping breath, "mean _again?_ _"_

He blinked and looked really irritated, "Don't talk. Seriously, you are tearing your hair out and I doubt you want a bald spot..." He maneuvered his hand over mine to detangle my fingers from my hair.

"What the fuck-" Another desperate breath for air, "is wrong with me?"

"I said don't talk, brat."

I buried my face to my knees again, not cooperating with Raiville's attempt at wrenching my hand away from my head.

"Breathe, Jeager." That smooth voice was too comforting. "There's nothing wrong with you."

I focused on my breathing, trying to count between each. The burning in my stomach was easily beyond anything I'd ever experienced. The overtaxing of my abdominal muscles was making breathing hard. My consciousness began to fade a little, darkness gathering at the edges of my vision.

"Take it easy. Breathe." Raiville instructed me again, though his voice was muffled more.

Minutes felt like horrible hours as I focused on breathing, calming myself as best I could. Gasps turned to shuttering breaths, then to occasional hiccups. My head began to clear slowly as uncurled a bit. The silence around me rang in my ears.

"You feeling better now?" I almost jumped as Raiville broke the silence. I nodded, embarrassment rising in my gut as I sat up completely.

"Can I have my hand back now? I'm pretty sure you've broken at least three of my knuckles at this point."

I looked to my hand that was laced with Raiville's and I released my grip like his hand was a hot iron. He hissed softly and rubbed the nail marks on his skin. I swiped my eyes with the arm of my hoodie, making the teacher click his tongue in irritation.

"Don't get your jacket dirty like that." He dug in his pocket for a second and handed me a neatly folded white handkerchief. I took it after a second and he stood.

I wanted to say something, I was so embarrassed and confused.

 _How did you know I was here?_ The words were caught in my throat as he turned to walk away, but he paused.

"If I see you running through the halls like that again, Jeager, I will give you a detention."

I stared into the back of my teacher, mouth agape in mortification. More tears welled up in my eyes and I cursed myself for crying like a little kid.

Dabbing at my eyes with the handkerchief, I sighed shakily.

_Why is it always HIM?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used Google translate, so I hope what I use in the chapters is correct. I'm on purpose not typing out the phrases because I have no idea how the fuck to speak french. I wish I did, though. A woman at my salon speaks french as her first language and it's rad af.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me at my tumblr: delilahdoomsday.tumblr.com  
> Sorry to all the patient SnK fans who have been reading this even tho I'm not actively updating it. When it's done, I hope you all enjoy it enough. (I am not in the fandom anymore. I've moved on but still remember how excited I was about content. So I hope you enjoy what I have here, and maybe I'll come back to this one day.)


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